Five Ways to Be Happier Today!

This is a little out of character, but I think tackling this topic is a rite of passage on the 'net.  So, in the grand tradition of Ghandi, Tony Robbins, Andrew W.K., and Oprah, may I present:

The Lost Gen's Penultimate Top Five Ways to be Even Happier!

5.  Get Fired - In these troubling economic times, what better way to let go of financial woes than to reject the system entirely?  If you are currently employed, do whatever you can to get fired.  Do NOT under any circumstances quit.  Just push the boundaries of how far you can go without being canned.  Clean clothes no more!  Stench is your friend, as is anything else that offends the senses.  Eat salads with double extra onions in your cube every day, put pickled eggs in the break room fridge that peaks out at a tepid 58 degrees, and cease and desist with deodorant of any kind.  If there is one thing people can't stand at work, it's having to endure an unpleasant odor invading their own sacred space.  Shirking your responsibilities will damage your reputation (at least for a month) but being gross will put you in the unemployment line before you can say "screw you" with your stank onion breath.

4.  Become a Pathological Liar - We all know that disappointment is an inevitable part of life.  Nobody ever said telling people about said disappointments was part of the deal.  Just make up your experiences.  The whole concept that people will doubt or dislike you when you provide no 'evidence' or 'consistency' in these tales is a myth.  In fact, you will become more popular than ever before!  Who else but you will have the perfect story for every occasion, a list of accomplishments finely tuned to whoever your audience is, and boundless confidence in their own abilities?  Be prepared to get a bigger Blackberry, my friend.  See, even I like you more already.

3.  Huff Canned Air - I have not personally tried this, but I saw a chick get absolutely f#&king wasted on an episode of 'Intervention.'  It's just air, right, it's not like it will cause.....

2.  Brain Damage - Up until the 1980s, brain damage was considered a viable method to alleviate depression.  Step one:  sedate the buzz kill, or if you prefer, "patient."  Step two:  insert hook in nostril and poke around a little.  Step three:  pull out hook.  That random bit of brain tissue was only making the poor slob bad at parties.  He'll never miss it.  This type of surgery may be hard to come by in the States, so seek out a doctor-like practitioner south of the border.  Or try a little DIY with a trash bag full of dark towels, a non-porous surface, and an electric screwdriver.  Just stay away from the sink.  You want to be dumb, not dead.

1.  The Secret Method - Ok, exclusively for readers of The Lost Gen, I have for you the ultimate secret of happiness.  Make sure nobody is looking over your shoulder and the private browsing feature on you computer is enabled.  Ready?  Say to yourself the following phrase, over and over again:  I am happy.  Now, put aside your outrage at this suggestion for a moment and just try it.  Try to have an open mind; a mind open to happiness.  I am happy.  I am happy.  I am happy.  Just keep repeating this during all waking hours until two plus two equals five.  Smoking five to ten joints a day can help those of you who just don't get it, as can a quick stint on the rack.

No need to thank me for sharing my enlightened knowledge.  There is no reason for me not to share it.  I'm on the dole, a former dictator of a small South American province (beloved, of course, women wept when I resigned), owner of a case of Kirkland's Best Dust-B-Gone, have a gaping hole in my skull, and I'm a full 1/2 inch taller!

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