I'll Take a Jumbo Popcorn and Partial Lobotomy

A few months ago, after 12 straight hours of taking DayQuil and Mucinex, I was coerced in my pseudoephedrine-induced stupor to see the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. As I leaned back in the stadium seats, Sierra Mist in hand, I heaved a sigh of satisfaction. Seldom has my mind been so wiped clean of intelligent thought; the potent combination of stress, being sick, the holidays, and my mini cold medicine bender had left my film snob brain as clean and innocent as a newborn babe. Finally, I could enjoy a big bag of Hollywood junk food and not wind up barfing. I was psyched.

The excitement lasted a full 5-10 minutes. It was brought to an immediate and screeching hault when, in the expository intro sequence, the snow-white Jennifer Connelly hurries home from teaching a college science course to whip up a healthy stir-fry for her son, who is played by a young, African American lad with turquoise contact lenses. Game over, man. I checked out for the next 90 minutes. I thought about rainbows, and laughed at the douche-y high school guys sitting a few rows down. That's OK though; the film was pretty short on story. A brief glance at the screen every ten minutes or so was more than enough to catch me up on the doings of Connelly, the black son, and Keanu, who was actually not bad in this film. Granted, it was probably because he played an alien with no emotions, but I digress.

I'd like to say that the "creative casting" of parent and child of obviously different racial backgrounds with NO relevancy to the story or explanation within the plot is the lowest the film sank. Sadly, not. After 60 minutes of watching the president (an obvious nod to Hillary Clinton--played by Kathy Bates?! Ouch!) resist Keanu's tree-hugging intergalactic warning to give a hoot, not pollute and his subsequent flight from the Feds via Connelly's hybrid car (African American lad in tow, natch) there came a tacked-on scene so cheesy, my fiance let out a groan loud enough to be heard above the deafening blast of THX. A. A. lad, now accompanied by Keanu in a "Cop and 1/2" style romp through the backwoods of Washington D.C., comes across a clearing lined with rows of modest tombstones. It's a graveyard. For soldiers. A.A. walks to a grave, and collapses in tears. The camera pans up from his crumpled weeping form to reveal the engraving. Here lies the absent father of A.A. who died in Iraq. Oh my god, I am bawling at this point....ok, now drop it, drop it like it's on fire....here it comes: Keanu understands human emotions for the first time. He's not going to annihilate us all with his army of mechanical cockroaches after all.

So much for not barfing.

Next post: Watchmen reviewed.


  1. See, now we know why we're in Iraq; Cheney knew that only such a heartbreakingly destructive war would make Keanu sad enough to stop the aliens. Realpolitik, you see.

    But, to find out why we're in Afghanistan, we'll have to wait for "Hannah Montana: The Movie."

  2. Hmmm, you're going very "Ozymandis" on us now. Sacrifice millions to make billions! I'll expound upon this in my Watchman rant.

  3. ....where's the wachmen review?